Ok, so its almost been a month since my last blog, but life is just so busy sometimes! I have been working so diligently to get caught up with school, now I am caught up and striving to keep up. hah! With work, school, marriage, and housework I seem to be busier than I would like. Let me catch up on the last few weeks. Jerod has been working several side jobs, including our middle room. For Valentine's he surprised me with a beautiful new desk/hutch for our new room. He texturized the room, refinished the floors, and we decided on lemongrass as the wall color. I cannot wait to get in there to organize, and decorate it. We had quite a scare with Lexi a couple of weeks ago. It all started several months ago when we were about to go to bed. Lexi was laying in between me and Jerod as usual. Yes she is a 60lb Boxer in the middle of our queen bed. :) I noticed a rapid heartbeat.. it worried me, but Jerod said we would keep an eye on her. The next day, she seemed normal. Until 2 weeks ago when she was laying asleep on my leg, I felt an irregular heartbeat again. I went to work, and called Jerod. We decided that since her regular check up isn't until June/July we would go ahead and take her in. I took her to the vet by myself, and the Dr noticed her heart murmur to be more pronounced. He identified it last year, but just said we would keep an eye on it. He was surprised that it had changed so quickly. He said she was pretty young and its usually not discovered until they are about 6 years old. I began to cry, I was freakin out. My dog, my child with a heart murmur. I had no idea what that meant or entailed. I learned about it in Anatomy but never thought I would relate. The Dr said we need do an xray and some blood work to evaluate everything. He said it would take an hour or so.... I left weeping! I called Jerod to inform him, then called my mom. She basically talked me down off the ledge. All I could think about was my poor little angel. Did I do something to speed it up, or did I do something wrong? Jerod met me at the vet and the Dr advised us that she was going to be ok. It is common for dogs to have heart murmurs, he showed us the xray, and answered all of our questions. He assured us that we did nothing wrong. She takes medication twice a day now. She is just the sweetest little thing. I can't imagine life without her. So funny to think of a dog as being such a huge part of life, but she is more than that for me. I've been missing my family and friends alot lately, just wish I was closer to them. I feel so disconnected. Jerod and I have been in counseling for several months now. It has been going really well, but its getting harder. Th two biggest topics are being discussed. Having kids and moving. I'm still not quite ready to write about it. I guess I'm still mulling it over.
I think I need to re-visit my new year's resolutions. I've been in a strange funk the last couple of weeks. I know the basis for my struggle lies with where I am spiritually. I just can't seem to get it together. I know my need for God in my life, can't imagine a life without hope, but I am finding difficulty in having a relationship with Him. I don't know why. Is it accountability, surrender, or trust? At this point I don't know where to begin. I sat in my class tonight questioning my purpose in life. Wondering why I have such battles within. My innards feel rotten. I have been pessimistic, bitter, angry, deceitful, rude, and short. That is not the person I want to be. What is it that is causing this?? Oh Lord consume me, from the inside out, Lord my heart cries out! Bring me joy, bring me peace. I want nothing to do with the chaos. I rebuke this awful funk. If only I could apply what I type here to my day to day life. I choose life, He came that I might have life and have life abundantly.
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